At a sacred mountain retreat in The Hall of the Hero, the chief hero admonished one of the members. “Fredericoarminbutt, some hero you turned out to be. You couldn’t even save a cat in a tree. You claimed vertigo, what a baby. Get out of here you wanker. And don’t come back.”
He was afraid of heights and he had been thrown out of the Hall of Heroes for failing to save a cat in a tree. He couldn’t even get a prostitute to lay with him he was that despised. “You can’t get a pussy out of a tree? You ain’t getting any from me,” was the usual rejection. Exiled to earth, Fredericoarminbutt was more or less like a normal human, but with one exception. He was infamous.
Fredericoarminbutt knew he had to prove himself with some mighty deed. The burden of shame was too much to bear. Down-hearted he left for the countryside and sought a place where he might be able to start a new life and redeem his past failure or end his.
He shortened his name to Fred. He forged new identity papers and he had some plastic surgery undertaken to complete the makeover. But what could he do about his fear of heights? It limited him, since most daring-do required up-up-and-away type action. He cried and cried.
Two children skipped along, stopped, looked at him, and flipped him the finger. Even with the make-over, children could tell who he was. What was he to to do?
One day, a little Streetus Domestipuss came by. He was skinny and very hungry. Fred had a tuna fish sandwich in his satchel along with other things too numerous to be mentioned. He called the starving cat over to him and shared some of his food. The cat didn’t care what Fred was or did. He had fed him after all the others had thrown rocks and chased him away.
Fred asked, “what’s your name little cat?”
”My name is Pustifix. I used to chase mice until I realized they were alive and sentient just like me. I couldn’t bring myself to do that anymore even though it supposed to be my nature to be a mouser. I was thrown out of my home, and left to fend for myself or starve.”
“Well at least you have an excuse,” said Fred. “Recognizing the unity of life is a better reason to be in your situation than mine. I’m afraid of heights and being a hero, I’m not supposed to be.”
Puss looked at Fred. He had heard about him. Now he was face to muzzle. He seemed like a nice enough guy. Puss had been an alchemist in his past life and had an idea. “You know fear can be an inherited trait that is of no fault of your own.”
“Really?”
“Yes it can be, or you can just be a big weenie. If it’s the weenie thing, I have an idea. If it’s inherited, well, you’re SOL.”
“Okay, “said Fred, “what do you suggest?”
“Drugs! They can work wonders, trust me,” answered the cat. “You helped me now I will help you. Diazepam 25mg 3 times a day. You won’t fear a thing.”
“Won’t that be cheating? Asked Fred.
Puss stood up and looked the tear-stained ex-hero in the eyes, “Not at all, you can be all you can, with some possible side effects and some caution as to ingesting certain drink. But other than that, you should be fit to take on any non-mechanical situation.”
“Well why not you, and your issue with mice?”
“That’s a different and moral issue, not one of weenieness, and I am assuming you are a big chicken,” retorted Puss. Puss thought about chicken. They weren’t too bright and in a pinch maybe he could…never mind that, on with the task at hand.
****
Puss and Fred traveled together all over. People took them as they were. Fred was no longer recognized as the chicken ex-hero. The cat was great cover.
One day Fed noticed a posting for an offer in marriage to anyone who could accomplish the local princess’s bidding and become The King. Everyone who had attempted her bidding had failed and left in disgrace or died trying.
He took up the challenge.
The princess was an excellent judge of character and recognized Fred for what and who he really was. She commanded him to rescue her from her high tower. He’s toast, she thought.
Fred took his pill, waited an hour to make sure he would benefit from its full effect, and began to climb the tower. He arrived at the top where the princess waited. Was she a looker.
“Hellooo princess!” he declared.
Was she ever surprised. This guy was supposed to be afraid of heights. What was she to do?
****
The wedding took place. It was wonderful. Fred was married to the princess. And Pustifix was given a suite in his honor.
One day, the princess discovered the secret behind Fred’s success, and decided to switch her birth control pills for his diazepam. After a few days of this she asked him, “please dear brave one, would you get my kite out of that huge tree.”
He looked at the kite, looked at the tree, gave the okay sign to Pustifix, and up he went.
Down he came with the kite.
She was shocked and confessed what she had done.
He was shocked but then realized he had overcome his fears without drugs. It was all in his mind.
He was a hero to himself and now to his family. And, that’s all that mattered. He didn’t care about Heroes Hall. He had a great princess, lots of money, and an alchemist pussy.
And, he was the king, and being king was, not…too… bad.
They all lived happily ever after.
The end
****
BTW, he made sure she took her pills. The idea of kids scared the stuffing out of him.
Image Courtesy: Flickr
