In a shocking new report published today, drinking too much bottled water can cause obesity. It is a direct contradiction of previously held views that the body needs a certain amount of bottled - not tap - water per day.
Upon close investigation the doctors, medical advisors and purveyors of fitness regimens who propagated the bottled water is good for you myth, where all receiving retainers from the leading bottled water manufacturers. But one lone doctor, Dr Mags McCarthy, a GP from Glasgow, risked the loss of free trips abroad to health conferences and the like, by coming out and saying, there is no scientific evidence that we need so much bottled water. Indeed too much bottled water can make you fat.
Dr McCarthy explained the risk of obesity by over consumption of bottled water, "The type of person who imbibes bottled water usually suffer from Vanity Paralytics Syndrome, which effects the intestines by tightening them to an unnatural degree. It also makes the sufferer believe he or she is too illustrious to dispose of their body's waste in the normal manner, so they become addicted to colonic irrigation. This means the reprocessed bottled water which contains traces of Polymeric Pertasimate-a chemical used in the water reprocessing method, and which is harmful to the human body in larges doses-stays in the persons system a lot longer than a person with normal self-induced bowel movements. Polymeric Pertasimate becomes heated in the intestines causing a chemical reaction over time, which attacks the thyroid gland causing it not to function properly, and thus the person slowly becomes obese."
In this era of global recession it is welcome news to some people, who, caught up in the fashionable frenzy of drinking bottled water, can now switch back to the free alternative, sourced direct from the taps in their home. While a lot of other people, especially celebrities and their believers, are refuting the claim as unnecessary scare-mongering that will end up doing more harm than good.
"I haven't drunk tap water in over 10 years!" cried Cheryl Cole. "Evian, my bottle of choice, is pure nectar compared to fifthly tap water."
Katie Holmes, swears by Bling H2O, saying, "I bathe my children in it, and their skin is sooo pure!"
Lady Gaga has a person who only job is to carry a cooler bag filled with bottles of Pure Mountain Dew. While Madonna sacked her bottle carrier because he couldn't get the top of the bottle quickly enough for her.
The belief amongst celebrities and the fashion conscious is that bottled water tastes better than tap water, when in fact the bottled variety is actually reprocessed tap water, as in poured through a water filter on it's way to the bottle.
Film stars have bottled water written into their movie contracts. Only recently a certain film star shut down for the day, a film being shot in Death Valley, because he found bottles of Perrier in his caravan instead of his usual Dasani. To add insult to injury it wasn't even chilled.
But that's just the tip of the rubbish heap, the real damage being done through excessive indulgence of bottled water, is the sheer volume of plastic waste that is produced. And let us not forget that while tap water comes from mother nature trickling her elixir into reservoir's or deep underground, it is the level of contamination of the water from our over-industrialisation and the level of filtering and additives used to make it fit for human consumption that's the real problem. Because that just means people drink more of the bottled variety, believing the sales pitch that it is somehow better for you.
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